Facing Your Feelings/Accepting Distress

Learning how to tolerate distress when you have been in a pattern of constantly trying to escape it, may require practice, patience and persistence.

The first step to accepting distress is to start seeing your feelings and emotional experiences in a new light.

Emotions and feelings are important and useful to us.

Another way you might start to see your emotions differently is to recognise that your emotions are not permanent. Instead you might start to consider your emotions as changing experiences that are always fluctuating but eventually pass. When we feel distressed it can seem like the distress is going to go on and on forever, just getting worse and worse, until we emotionally combust. But we know this isn’t how emotions work. Instead emotions act more like a wave, at times increasing and becoming more intense, but inevitably always reaching some plateau, subsiding and finally passing. Some times the emotion may rear up again, setting off
another wave or smaller ripple. But the key is that emotions move and change, they are not permanent. This is particularly so when you don’t fight against and try to block the emotion. Sometimes just being able to remind yourself that emotions pass like a wave, may allow you to better tolerate whatever upsetting feelings you are experiencing.

Accepting distress is not about having to like emotional discomfort, or being resigned to feeling miserable, or wallowing in negative emotions. Instead, accepting distress is about seeing the negative emotion for what it is, and changing how you pay attention to the emotion. Reacting in an accepting way towards your emotion, often changes the effect the emotion has on you.

This approach is often referred to as learning to watch your emotions “mindfully”. Mindfulness is state of being where you are in the present moment, watching whatever you happen to be experiencing at that time, with an attitude of curiosity, and without judging or trying to change your experience. In this way our emotions are not some tumultuous chaotic vortex we are sucked into and from which we react impulsively. Instead we become the watcher of our emotions, noticing what is happening to us like a third person, observing and watching our distress with a sense of distance or detachment. As such we don’t have to engage with, react to or stop our emotions. Instead we take the stance of just allowing, observing and making space for the emotion until it passes.

This approach is often referred to as learning to watch your emotions “mindfully”. Mindfulness is state of being where you are in the present moment, watching whatever you happen to be experiencing at that
time, with an attitude of curiosity, and without judging or trying to change your experience. In this way our emotions are not some tumultuous chaotic vortex we are sucked into and from which we react impulsively. Instead we become the watcher of our emotions, noticing what is happening to us like a third person, observing and watching our distress with a sense of distance or detachment. As such we don’t have to engage with, react to or stop our emotions. Instead we take the stance of just allowing, observing and making space for the emotion until it passes.

There is no right or wrong when it comes to practicing accepting emotional distress, but below are some steps or guidelines that might help with the process. We stress that this is just a guide, and at the end of the day being able to watch and accept your emotions is something you will need to experience via trial and error practice, rather than something you can read about.

Watch or Observe
Foremost is adopting the stance of watching or observing your emotions, paying attention like a third person to whatever you are feeling in the present moment. Use your wise advocate or internal observer. Observing as the intensity might increase, hold its course, decrease or shift and evolve into a different feeling. Regardless of what the emotion is doing, you are not your emotions, you are the watcher of your emotions.

Label or Describe
When being the watcher of your emotions you might find it helpful to label or describe to yourself the emotion you are experiencing. It is a little bit like being the commentator of your emotional experience.

Curious and Non-judgemental
You’ll notice that the language used to describe your experience has a sense of curiosity and nonjudgement. The fear or sadness or anger that you feel is not deemed good or bad, or right or wrong, it is what it is.

Present Moment
Once you feel you have fully watched and experienced the negative emotion, feeling it come to its natural conclusion, it might then be time to gently direct your attention to the present moment.

And if you can’t think of anything to be present-focused on, there is one thing you can guarantee will always be present to practice on…your
breath. Take some deep breaths and become aware of your breath’s sensory intricacies and details, and allow yourself to fully experience it.

Dealing with Emotional Comebacks
Be aware that no matter how expert you are at doing all the previous steps just mentioned, it is normal for negative emotions to sometimes reappear. This does not mean that you have failed at being mindful of your emotions. The key is to be aware that the emotion has made a comeback, congratulate yourself for catching this rather than getting sucked in or swept up in the emotion, and repeat the steps as before. It doesn’t matter how many times you have to catch and watch your emotions, because that in itself is the
task…catching and watching your emotions.

A good way to develop the skill of accepting distress is to start by being mindful of your emotions generally when you are not feeling too distressed. This will give you some practice at the skill of watching your emotions
under easier circumstances.

Mindfulness of Emotions Script
Position yourself comfortably in the chair…feet flat on the floor, arms placed comfortably, chair fullysupporting your body… allow your eyes to close…begin by paying attention to your breathing, taking a few long breaths to get settled…
Now gently guide your attention to how you are feeling emotionally within yourself at this moment…note whatever feelings arise within you whether they be positive, neutral or negative…whether they be strong or weak in intensity…they are all just emotions…all just feelings to be felt. Whatever feelings arise, remind yourself that it is OK to allow yourself to feel it. Remember that you are not your emotions, you are the watcher of your emotions. Take some time just to observe your emotional experience, making no attempt to change how you are feeling…
You might label the emotion to yourself (i.e., “ah there is calmness/ happiness/ indifference/ surprise/ boredom/ frustration/ fear/ sadness, etc”)…You might describe where and how you feel the emotion in
your body…take time to notice the physical signs that you are feeling the way you feel…
Watch as the emotion changes in intensity and nature. Bring whatever image to mind that helps you be the watcher of your emotions, seeing your emotion like an ocean wave.
You don’t have to buy into your emotions and get swept up in them. You don’t need to change your emotions, fight them or get rid of them. You are just here to watch, observe and experience what is going on right now. See if you can make some space for the emotion, seeing it as part of a broader landscape within you that contains lots of things like other feelings, thoughts, and memories. Your emotions are just emotions…your feeling just feelings…nothing more and nothing less…
When you have fully experienced whatever emotion is there, and the experience has run its natural course, redirect your attention towards your breath…note each inhalation and each exhalation…bind your attention to the back and forth movement of the belly as you breathe in and out…note the feelings in your body as you draw breath in and then out again. Take some time now to allow your breath to be your anchor to the present moment…
If your mind wanders away from the breath to an emotion, or thought or sensation. That’s ok, that’s what minds do. Congratulate yourself for noticing, and give your mind the time to again observe and watch what
you are experiencing… Once that observation has run its natural course, again gently bring your attention back to the breath as your anchor to the present…
Try to continue your mindfulness practice for the next 10 minutes or more…
When you feel ready, you can gradually open your eyes, bringing this mindfulness exercise to a close…

Practicing Acceptance When Distressed

USE TRIGGER PAGE AND LIMITING BELIEF PAGE
Now that you are getting a good sense of how to be mindful of your emotions generally, another way to develop the skill of accepting distress is to plan specifically how you will extend this new attitude to dealing
with the distressing emotions you most often struggle with. To help with this, you can devise your own step-by-step mindfulness plan of what to do when emotional distress arises for you. This is really about
jotting down a few key words, phrases or images that will cue you into being mindful of your negative emotions at times when it is harder to do.
Below is an example of the types of phrases that might be helpful. Take a look through the example script and then see if you can draft a script personalised to your needs on the next page. Your personalised script should be short and to the point, as you don’t want to read through a mountain of stuff when you are distressed. You can draft your personalised script by either picking out the phrases from the example
scripts that best suit you, or coming up with your own phrases. The aim is to find a few phrases that help get you in the mode of being the non-judgemental watcher of your distress.

Use trigger page and limiting belief page.

Example Mindfulness of Distress Script
Recognise & Allow Emotion:
Aha! I’m feeling…[angry/sad/scared]. It is OK, I can allow myself to have this feeling…I can make space for it…I don’t have to be afraid of it or try to get rid of it.
Watch Emotion:
I can just watch this feeling and see what it does, I don’t have to get caught up in it.
Let’s see, where do I notice the emotion in my body?
This is just an emotion, just a feeling to be felt, nothing more and nothing less.
I am not my emotions, I am the watcher of my emotions.
The feeling is just like a…[ocean wave…I don’t need to fight the wave frantically…I can just go with the wave, letting it bob me up and down, or riding it into shore.
Be Present:
I will turn my attention back to the task I am doing now …noticing what I can feel…hear… see… smell…taste…
OR
I will turn my attention towards my breath…the breath being my anchor to the present moment…noticing each in breath and each out breath
Deal with Emotional Comebacks:
I feel the emotion returning…that’s OK, that’s what emotions do, they like to rear their head again. I will just go back to watching it again…it is just another [ocean wave]…

Personalised Mindfulness of Distress Script
Recognise & Allow Emotion:
Watch Emotion:
Be Present:
Deal with Emotional Comebacks:

Now you know how to watch your emotions generally, and have a script for how to adopt this attitude when distressing emotions arise, it is now time to get some practice with the emotions that distress you.
There are 2 ways we can get this practice. One is putting what you have learnt into practice as best you can the next time distressing emotions spontaneously arise for you. The other method is to gradually seek
out distressing emotions with the intention of practicing your new acceptance skills.

The Next Time I Am Distressed…
This involves having a clear plan for the next time you feel distressed. You might make a commitment to yourself that the next time I feel distressed I will get out my personalised mindfulness script and try to watch my distress.
If you think this will be a very difficult thing to do, you may decide to put a time limit on how long you will try to be mindful of your distressing emotions (e.g., “I will justdo it for 5mins to start off with, at the end of those 5mins I will see if I can try it for another 5mins”). In this way you can gradually and gently start to ‘expose’ yourself to the distress you have been dreading. If you get to the end of your time limit and find you just can’t go any longer being mindful of your distress, that is OK, you have
made a start at accepting rather than avoiding your distress.