Learning How to Process Negative Emotions

A guide to understanding negative feelings and how to relate to them.

 deal more adaptively with their negative feelings

• A) That you have a ‘heart’ that is feeling things in your body and a ‘head’ that is narrating things
• B) The relationship between these two domains of mind is crucial

The first key point is to understand how to process emotions in a healthy way. This is what I call the “Emotional Sweet Spot” (ESS) model of emotional functioning. The ESS refers to the “mental space” between being (a) aware and attuned to your feelings and (b) adaptively regulating them in accordance with your goals. Many people with emotional difficulties operate outside the sweet spot in that they try to critically control their feelings (which is the opposite of ‘a’) and then are triggered and overwhelmed (opposite of ‘b’), which makes them want to control them even more, thus creating a vicious cycle.

The reason for the struggle is usually because the narrator portion of their mind (i.e., their head) believes that negative emotions are dangerous or a problem and must be controlled. This is a key error that many people make that leads to trouble down the line. Yes, emotions can be brutal and painful. But they are not your enemy. If you make them your enemy, you are engaging in a form of inner Emotional Warfare. The key is developing skills to allow you to regularly hold them in the Emotional Sweet Spot.

It’s Not the Negativity but Your Reaction to It