Mindful questioning is the practice of asking better questions. Questions that help cut through the noise and raise awareness to our thoughts, feelings and actions. In short, questions that help us be more mindful.
There is a simple model that outlines how we come to feel things:
circumstances (sensory stimuli) > thoughts > feelings (emotions) > actions
This is a cause and effect relationship. Circumstances (physical sensation, someone yelling at you, a long line at a supermarket, etc.) give rise to thoughts. And these thoughts trigger emotions, which result in actions. No matter the circumstance, emotions are always caused by a thought.
The problem is that the process (from thought to emotion) takes a fraction of a second. And we’re so overwhelmed and distracted throughout the day that we don’t even notice there is a process taking place.
The result is that we believe that we just feel things. Or that other people cause us to feel things. But this isn’t true.
Our thoughts are the sole drivers of our emotions — only our thoughts cause us to feel something (angry, sad, frustrated, happy, etc.). And the way to get some control over our emotions (and our reality) is to understand what we’re thinking and gain control over these thoughts.
Emotions are a signal. Understanding what we’re feeling helps us understand what we’re thinking.
By correctly identifying the thoughts that led to the emotion, we 1) Gain clarity about our state of mind and 2) Can take steps to transform these thoughts, and ultimately our emotions.
Now that I know what I’m feeling, I can ask ‘What are the thoughts that are giving rise to these emotions?’.
circumstances (sensory stimuli) > thoughts > feelings (emotions) > actions
So far we’ve 1) Clarified how we’re feeling and named the emotions and 2) Identified the thoughts that gave rise to these emotions.
Here it’s important to clarify that you can’t change the circumstances. They already happened. You can take steps to change them in the future. But you can’t change what already happened.
Therefore, the only way to effectively change your emotions is by changing your thoughts. For example, a negative thought gives rise to a negative emotion. It therefore follows that a way to transform the emotion, is to transform the thought.
It’s not about replacing negative thoughts with ‘happy’ thoughts. This doesn’t work.
It’s about objectively analyzing our thoughts — not just believing them because we thought them.
The problem is that we believe our own thoughts all the time. The deeper problem is that our thought patterns are largely formed out of habits, and the belief systems and thought processes we have inside our heads get stronger and reinforced as we get older — regardless of if they’re true.
Many of us are reinforcing thoughts that are not only false, but also actively bringing us down and limiting us (remember thoughts cause feelings which cause actions).
We believe these thoughts to be true simply because they come from inside our head. But they’re not always true.
One way to disarm such negative thoughts is to perform a simple analysis:
MINDFUL QUESTIONING
- Pay attention to what you’re thinking
- Make a choice about what to believe and ask:
- Is the thought capital T true?
- Am I absolutely sure it’s true?
- What’s the evidence?
Fillin the blank:
- Circumstance:
- Thought:
- Is this true?
- Am I absolutely sure it’s true?
- What’s the evidence?
- *All you need is ONE example that contradicts your initial thought.
- New thought:
Once I realize that the thought isn’t true, I can move on to more positive and constructive thoughts.
Anytime you’re feeling down or off, ask yourself these 3 questions:
- What am I feeling? Name these emotions.
- What thoughts are causing these emotions?
- Are they true? Am I absolutely sure they’re true?
Although our emotional state profoundly influences the quality of our life, many of us aren’t aware of how we’re feeling at any given moment or what the impact may be.
We need to take/make the time to name the specific emotions we’re feeling.
Naming our emotions makes a big difference. When you name your emotions you diffuse their charge and lessen the burden they create, making them less powerful.